Today's maths paper was dreadfully terribly horrifying. Sucks.
Should have placed more emphasis on practising Paper Two
Should have paid more attention to Ms Lee
Should have moved on to other questions
Should have revised earlier
Should have been more self-aware of it all and corrected myself in time.
Disgustingly regretting all the "should haves" and all the "If only I"
Worst was when everyone came out beaming and excitedly discussed answers, saying the paper was easier than the first. Seemed like a transparent wall separating their relief from my depression that just kept getting worse. Feel like I've let my parents down. Ms Lee. Mr Yeo. Just the thought of my parents made me tear on the bus home.
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To my class girls, I wasn't pissed that you all were taking such a drag to collect CSE stuff and discuss matters, just that someone could have told me you all went to collect CSE. Was already so depressed when I came out from the exam hall then I felt extremely lost.
Then after repeatedly making so much noise to go home, everyone just either ignored me or shut me up. My internal struggle was already enough please. At that moment was so fed up and left. Walking out alone made me straighten some facts out, I have my own legs I don't have to wait for others to move and to follow other people's wishes. I am an individual. I don't have to keep compromising with others.
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Came home and bawled my eyes out. Like on Monday after the SEA History cooped myself in the toilet to wail. Only came out after my parents and Da Sao came knocking after an hour. But at least at that time I still had IH History as my hope.
Maths is all gone. Just like that.
I'm serously screwed.
Is there really a June paper? Sucks. I can never make it to Uni. And I have a niece in RJ who is the same age. Pressure from relatives. Dreading Chinese New Year already. How am I going to set a good example for my younger cousins. And to bring pride to my family. Maybe not pride. I'm not capable of that. Just as long as my parents don't lose face because of me. Plus Jie Jie who tried to lure me to do well, new handphone as birthday present, trip to Australia.
And my buddy buddies. Thanks for trying to encourage me even though my situation is really hopeless until you all don't know how else to encourage me. Even though you all moved to better schools, I'm thankful that you all didn't despise me and continue to keep our friendship. Really sincerely love you all a lot. Except Duck. Less love.
Here's a sms from Mel who after her difficult Chem paper still managed to console me for History and to encourage me for IH paper due 2 hours after the sms :) When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road you're taking seems all uphill,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems afar.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
I will spend today living in regret.
Thereafter I must find strength somehow to carry on.
When all else fails, have faith.
But my faith is wavering.
Dear God, I believe "There is nothing I cannot do in the One who strengthens me"
(courtesy of Sarah who sent an sms to me, thanks)
I place my hopes, my dreams, my regrets and my failures into Your hands.
Help me, Help me to make the cut. Please.
